Thursday, 22 December 2011

The half of me.....


I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they'd heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted them to get past the rumours. To see beyond the relationships I once had, or maybe still had but that they didn't agree with. 
Nobody, but the few people closest to me, knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've sat in my room and cried, how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back the tears, how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap but don't just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head whenever I'm sad, how horrible they truly are. What people know about me is what I show outside to them, not the person inside me when I am on my own....
I put on a good front if I have to. If I were to show the real me to anyone I'm not too sure that they could handle it. Being all things to all people every day of the week is tiring.

It's funny looking back on who I was a year ago and how different my life is now. I'll never regret what happens in my life and what ever choices I've made as it made me who I am now. Every negatives in my past are now positives in my present life. I believe I was bought in this world to help other people cos of who I am. I've got plenty of patience, maybe on a rare day I'll lose my rag but I am only human. I've got plenty of life experience, maybe too much for my liking but as I always thought that there's a reason for everything, it has helped me to be able to help people who need it. Because of it, I know what I want to do in my life and I won't let people stop me.

I have a past just like everyone else, but I have worked very hard to forgive and let go. I'm pretty happy with my life now, sure there are things that could be better but life is good right now. My problem now seems to be that I can't get away from the negativity from certain people in my life. I've got plans for 2012 and I am not going to let people stopping me from making plans.

People have said I am quite intelligent, I am not 'academic' I don't even know how to use 'academic' in a sentence but I do have many common senses I assume that is what people mean when they say I am intelligent?! Maybe because they've seen me reading books and assume I am clever?! I've always read books when I was younger, wrote short & long stories and poems but had stopped in my middle teens. Now I am in my twenties and have started reading books all the time, again just like when I was younger. I find it relaxing knowing a bit of me never left me, some of you might think it don't make sense, it makes sense to me and I don't care what you all think.

We all are always finding out who we are. I got lost along the way to finding out who I am and got mixed up cos I was learning that spending a lots of time at hospitals and doctors wasn't 'normal' as people at school or outside school kept thinking I am weird or pity me, or even dare calling me names.  I soon learnt I wasn't like everybody I knew but I just never knew any different and was used to hospitals being my second home. Sometime I acted up and ended up getting a rep as a bitch or the bad attiude girl, only cos certain people couldn't let me being ME. 

Then left school and started college. Soon got a rep for hard partying girl but deep down I loved partying and it was a great way to dance and drink my worries & frustrations away. But always grateful that I started volunteering at same time I started college as it helped me realising what I wanted to do. When I was still at school I wanted to be a youth worker and ingored advices off certain teachers to not work with children due to my 'health' but I still went ahead and studied youth work level one.  Now, more people let me be whoever I want to be, even have seen certain people saying good things about me. I still get shocked about that. So I have to thank people in my past and present for who I am! 

And every end is just the start to something else.....