Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Body Size


Wow, simple words can hurt!

Labels, labels, labels!
Is it jealously?
If they call me skinny, I laugh and I know it is cos they are jealous of me.

As I am tall, I look very slim but get called skinny.

I ain't going to gain weight for them, I do it for ME! Only for ME!

What is the point for them calling me or others skinny?

I doubt it they would go up to overweight people and call them fat! 
Yet they find it easy to comment on my figure and say I am far too skinny.
What The Fuck
They have nothing to do with my size and weight.

I have check ups with my doctor, check my weight & blood pressure etc 
and normally my doctor is happy with me. 

I have a BIG secret, I am a size 10 not a size 4/6/8 what a shocker! 
I am enjoying being a size 10, why? It's better than being a size 4/6/8. 
Size 10 or above is fine for my height, thank you very much.

Being called skinny all my life, I am used to it and laugh it off. 
BUT I still get amazed when strangers have the courage to comment on my 'skinny' figure!
Absolutely hilarious!

They don't know the real me and will never since I don't accept people, 
who judge me straight away. 

Sure I go to gym, but never for to lose weight and get too 'skinny'
I am going to gym for various reasons, which I don't need to explain to everyone all the time.
There's a reason for everything I do, always!

Not skinny!


Tuesday, 31 July 2012


Last year I posted this on my facebook and wow I sure got some replies, good ones!
'Due to some ass commenting, I am tired of catching some weird looks from people and saying stupid things. Some of you know this, some don't.... I've got Keratitis Ichthyosis Deafness (KID) syndrome, it is a rare, genetic, multi-system disorder. One of the symptom is Alopeica. An autoimmune disease involving loss of all/some hair, including eyebrows and eyelashes. There is no known cause or cure. I have had this since birth. It has affected me in so many ways (Anxiety, depression, panic, etc.) I am Kelly, and I am proud of who I am. I never lied about who I am. I still can dye, straight & curl my wigs just like everyone, even can have it done for different colours & styles just like you all. Thanks for reading this & deal with it. ♥ '
 I am a member of some Alopeica website. Often see people posting on the forums worrying about love and relationships. And how their possible other half's might react to their alopeica.
Worrying about how to tell them about alopeica or whether they will leave them due to their alopeica etc. When should we tell them, at the start of dates or later on? 
How small things can worry us so much! 

When I was young, some people would ask me if I was wearing a wig, most of the time I would say no, cos to me it's MY hair. I didn't feel I was lying. But now I am older I would tell the truth, I would also smile and tell them that I can do anything with my hair though to stop them telling me they are sorry. 
Now I am thinking, was I ashamed about my alopeicia back then?

Having my hair makes me feel feminine.
But I do like being at home without my hair, I wear my hat when it's cold inside. I won't go bald in front of my friends or dates though, just close family. I learnt how to jump up fast and get my hair on when the doorbell go! It's one of my talents :) 

I also sleep without it cos it's easier and feel free but I sleep with it on when I have people sleeping over and it's the other way around too. Why? Maybe I feel I might freak people out? Maybe I don't feel womanly?

Admittedly I wouldn't call my wig a wig cos it's hair to me, my hair! Some days I think why should we call it wigs, cos it is hair to us just like other people who have their own real hair. If my wig is made of real human hair then I call it my hair.

There's a lot of different types of alopeica. 

Some people have no hair, some people have patchy hair, some people have hair but often lose it then grow back etc. To people outside, it look like I have no hair at all but I do. A mixture of cute little blonde hairs and few dark ones. I can see them cos I see my naked body daily and check them out closely under the light to see if I've grown any more. 

Funnily enough I sometime freak when I see hairs on my arms etc - thankfully no one notice as it's light blonde phew - or anywhere else cos I am not used to it! I prefer to be smooth all over - good comments off men! :)

 But I do want eyebrows!  Sure, it would be amazing to have my own hair cos I have to wait every year to get more hairs added on my wig it's annoying to have to wait yearly. I also can't grow longer hair when my wig have to be cut, thanks dead ends!! Plus every now and then more hairs from my wig fall out and I can't grow them back instead I have to wait yearly, that's one of things I hate about having alopeicia. 

Good thing about having alopeicia is that I can take it off when it's hot!! Heehee
And I don't have to 'shave' or 'wax' etc.
A bliss!!
No worrying about hairy legs when having dates over!
No worrying about having cuts off the razor!
Feeling smooth! :)
Kelly Gorman - 28th July 12 aged 24

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Body Image....

Random Words Flying Around In My Head About Body Image:   

 Eating Disorders
Touchy Subject
True beauty
Why can't we, some women, accept it when men say we are beautiful when clothed & naked
Don't matter about scars, stretchmarks & cellulite
No need for make up 24/7

I am slim but still got stretchmarks, scars and cellulite. I even get nightmare spots and I can't even use make up on my face to hide spots cos of my skin condition. Thankfully I can still use eye make up if needed when I've red eyes from a lack of sleep!! Rarely I use make up, cos I think we all are an example of true beauty with no make up :) But don't get me wrong! I think make up can be useful!! 


Many people don't know I am usually fighting a battle to gain weight or to keep my weight stable, when most people I know are battling to lose weight.
Terrified of losing weight cos it's not attractive, since I am tall I have to be heavier than 9 stone
Being weird about people watching me eating, accuse me of dieting if they see me eating salad or working out at gym. Scared of that.

Looking in the mirror wishing I've got more curves

 I think it's fab that people celebrate curves!! They are fab! But sometime it do make me feel like people are judging me for being slim and make me think it's not attractive. Most days I am proud that I've got a tiny waist, being tall and slim.

 Some people should think before they speak

Where do some of us get our negative body image from?!
Is it cos of airbrushed mags?
Or people commenting?

When guys say words like beautiful, do we believe them? Not usually, but we still nod and say thanks.
I am not saying everyone are like that but most of them, people I know, are polite and say thank you for the lovely comments whilst not believing them.

I may be tall, slim and have lovely long hair. May have dark eyes that shows I am a deep person. Lovely white teeth. It don't always mean I think I am gorgeous deep down.

Most days, I think fuck people I'll wear colourful clothes or show off my body cos most days I am confident, and am full of myself. No care in the world what people think of me. Yet I don't think I am perfect I am not always confident when being intimate with guys thinking they want a better body. But we should accept they are already with us so they don't need a perfect version of us.

Us women always want something we can't have such as bigger or smaller boobs, bums and flatter tummy or blah etc. Why can't we be truly acceptable of ourselves without wanting to changing ourselves?

What is perfect body image? Us accepting our bodies & feeling sexy about our bodies, yeah baby!

Can we stand in front of the mirror naked and say to ourselves we look good!
There's always stories behind each person & picture
No judgement
Be proud of our bodies and what they've been through


Monday, 12 March 2012


What do happiness mean to me?

Many simple things really:
People saying good things about me
Seeing special kids having fun
Being happy & smiley
Free thinking time
Doing what I want
Being with friends
Facing fears
Being hyper
Lovely nails
Having fun
Curly hair
Basically life is amazing

Just other few things that can make me happy:
Me in pain doing things cos it's worth it, way better than being pain free doing nothing at home
Lovely people letting me doing things knowing I've health issues but don't ask me what is wrong with me, respecting me. Results in me respecting them.
Seeing things around me & they mean something to me, more than before
 I believe in life more than before.
No matter how much pain I can be in, I'll do whatever I want, not always though, because I deserve a life, just like these special kids with complex needs who are involved with NDCS.
Will not regret whatever made me happy :)

Sometime it can be hard, but worth it in the end doing what you want... Random times I stop and think to myself, quite often I smile, I am still here happy cos I am doing what I want. Not many people can do that. If I want a life, I must face my fears and move on to the next step knowing at the end there's an amazing prize - more happiness for me!! It can also mean people closest to me can be happy too, seeing me happy! And knows that I am happier than ever. Happiness is so important to me.
Smiling is infectious......

Don't be scared of moving into the next step in your life, it will be worth it at the end

I truly believe in this quote: Never regrets anything that made you smile :)
I am naturally funny, of course! But seriously, I love seeing people laughing when I do or say something. It was never my aim to make them laugh, I just say whatever I want and I naturally have fantastic body language of course.

Finally, just a bit of final words!
Was involved in the big 60 weekend ( NDCS ) on 9-11th March.
Naturally, I got thinking at the end of the day after spending all weekend in Manchester with amazing mentors, staff and volunteers. Basically I just thought WOW! It made an impact on me big time, seeing these special kids having fun, no care in the world no matter what they had: complex needs and/or deafness etc. I've seen shy kids it made me sad in some way cos I think these kids deserve a fanstatic life so I am proud of all of us and NDCS breaking barriers for them! I am looking forward to increase my experience with NDCS and working for them. Very rewarding and huge respect to those who are still with NDCS for years!!
Was very worn out & in pain when I came home and looked forward to a hot bath and a long sleep that is more than 4 hours of broken sleep at the weekend!! :) But WILL never regret it cos I know I will have good sleep and recover soon. I enjoyed it very much! Byeeeee for now!! :)

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Well, what a February so far!

Well, what can I say?? I love this month so far!I know March is going to be amazing too :)
New hairo
New challenges
Been through all kinds of emoticons
Great weekends with NDCS and friends
Loving my sessions with my personal trainer 
Bundles of energy after feeling rubbish in winter months

Speaking of the sessions, I still have not signed up to do the bike challenge, it's scary as I am not 100% fit yet. I still struggle to ride uphill and get out of the breath when I ride fast on a windy day! If I ever sign up to do the bike challenge, who know what the weather will be like on the day! Scary! :) I admire people who cycle daily and do it for sport! My ass has been hurting more, since I increased the amount of cycling! I really do appreciate relaxing hot baths!!

What I have learnt lately.... I now realise who are inspirational people, had a bit of free time of thinking lately and it's amazing.... and for me to enjoy my life more, I have to overcome my fears and find out why I have these fears. And take up more challenges to break the barriers in my life. At the end, it should be worth it? I hope so :)

 Since life had decided to keep throwing challenges in my life, I def learnt more about people around me, about me even, and my life. So bring them on.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

What are thrills?

First post of 2012!! What a month already! Illnesses, work, travelling and keeping fit! And there are 11 more months of this till 2013.... Whoop! 2012 is going to be a good year, great plans!

What are thrills? A sudden feeling of excitement and pleasure: "the thrill of jumping out of an airplane".
Copied it off of course :)

I had my major thrill last year, 2011 by going sky diving to raise money for an amazing charity NDCS. I loved every second of it and would love a wee time machine so I can relieve every second of the best day in 2011! Since then, I've swore to myself that I will do a sky dive again for myself, and will gladly do it whenever friends & family want to try a sky dive and want me to go with them. 
Hell I will always say yes if the date is right! :D
Defo hooked! Freedom in the air! Pure WOW!

Well, for 2012 I told myself I won't do any major thrills to raise money as I didn't know what could beat sky diving!! TILL I got a letter off NDCS and a wee thank you note, again, to thank me for my sky dive in 2011. The challenges events lists was included with the letter! I thought to myself 'Oh no' I knew I had to have a wee look at the list and knew straight away that I wanted to do the challenge again, but a different one. Since then I couldn't switch my mind off!! I kept thinking should I do it or not etc. Plenty of questions flying around in my mind and I knew what to do which was to get them questions answered!

Plenty of great challenges but I knew if I want to sign up then it had to be something I could enjoy! I cycle in my local area for wee errands etc and I rather cycle than walk!! So I kept looking at cycle challenges, I would love to do all the the cycle challenges but I would never see 2013 if I did all of the cycle challenges!!

So I had to pick my top three cycle challenges: 1. Cycle to Paris from London, that would be fab but not ready for that! Too long 2. Nightrider in London which would be about 60 miles but the date didn't suit me!! 3. 100 miles in Oxford but tough hilly challenge!! And yet I couldn't stop thinking about that one! I must be really mad! So if I was to go for any cycle challenges it would be the 100 miles!

Knowing I am never 100% healthy or fit 365 days!! I was wary but determined to try my best and see if I could try for it. But didn't want to commit yet till I thought I was ready. So went to my gym and spoke to someone about getting a personal trainer.... 1st session start next week!! Eeeekkk

If the sessions go well then possibly by Feb or March I might sign up then start training properly for the 100 miles challenge! Eeeekk so who know what could happen next month etc! Not getting my hopes up but I will be happy knowing I've tried my best and took steps in getting info and preparing as if I've signed up.

It would be amazing if I did sign up and completed scary 100 miles by bike!! But if it happens then other major thrill never to be forgotten

 Funnily enough, before the sky dive, everyone thought it was brave of me to sign up for the sky dive and that it was scary thing! I was far chilled out even though it was me who did the sky dive not everyone else. But funnily enough I think if I do this 100 miles challenge then I would be scared! Knowing I would have to get my butt off my bed and train hard for it not knowing if I could complete the 100 miles challenges! OMG!

For you all, if I do this 100 miles challenge this year then what next for 2013?! Watch out! ;)